Ever since I started this blog I have been inundated with statements of gratitude from women who say I have “validated their feelings” and until 2 days ago, I had no clue what they meant. 2 days ago I happened upon an article written by my new favorite person on EARTH. I didn’t realize it, but for years I have been waiting for someone to validate my feelings regarding what I believe to be a cancerous statement: Everything Happens for a Reason. The excerpt below was written by journalist, psychotherapist, and my new best friend, Tim Laurence.
I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident, and now she lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic, many of her hopes stolen.
I’ve heard it a million times before, but it never stops shocking me: He tells her that he thinks the tragedy will lead to positive changes in her life. He utters the words that are nothing less than emotional, spiritual, and psychological violence:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
He tells her that this was something that HAD to happen in order for her to grow. But that’s the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it’s categorically untrue.
When I read these words two days ago I felt as if I was breathing air for the first time. “Yes!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed at my computer screen. “Yes, yes dear God yes! That’s exactly what those words are: spiritual and psychological violence. Wherever you are Dr. Laurence, I thank you so much for writing these words I have desperately needed to describe what it feels like to be told, everything happens for a reason.
As you can imagine, people tell ME this a lot, and I mother fucking, cock-sucking hate it. Much like, “The Gift of a Special Needs Child” these words rip a ripe new tear into my already ravaged heart every time I hear them. I don’t know what you people are actually saying when you utter those putrid words, but I can tell you what us members of the, Nobody Wants To Be A Member of This Club Including Us Club are hearingwhen you say them. We hear: “You have no right to grieve your current situation. Your inability to view Kevin as a gift from God reflects your failure to recognize God’s plan and you should now feel more ashamed and ineffective than you already do because you have failed to see the bigger picture.” And you really needn’t bother people: I already feel like a complete failure most of the time.
After all these years working with people in pain as an advisor and adversity strategist, it still amazes me that these myths persist despite the fact that they’re nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication. And worst of all, they keep us from doing the one thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.
Here’s the reality: As my mentor Megan Devine has so beautifully said: ’Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.’
At long last I understand what you ladies have been saying to me. At long, long last, someone understands how I feel.
As much as Kevin is some ONE, he is also some THING I carry every day. For example, it’s 6:00 AM right now and I’ve been up since 5. Kevin woke up and started banging on our door telling me to get up and make him chocolate milk. When I refused to open the door he came downstairs and poured chocolate syrup all over my furniture and the dog. When Kayla ran upstairs to inform us of what he’d done, Kevin bit her and tried to push her down the stairs. And now that you’ve heard the story of my morning please come on over and tell me everything happens for a reason, because I think it might make me feel better to punch someone in the face and make them bleed.
Do you remember my old friend Karen whose name isn’t really Karen? She and I have next to nothing in common. The fact that she is a conservative republican and I am (what my grandmother used to call) a flaming asshole communist liberal is just one example. So why did I pursue a friendship with this woman? Because the day Kevin punched me in the face at the barbecue and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming, she did not turn away and pretend nothing was happening. After observing the entire, humiliating scenario she did not say to me, “Everything happens for a reason,” she said, “It must be very hard being his mother.” Unlike the first statement, the second one grants you the gift of acknowledgement. I don’t know what Karen was actually saying when she said, “It must be very hard being his mother,” but I can tell you what I heard when she said it. I heard, “I am so, so sorry,” and it made me feel so, so acknowledged.
Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.
Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed. These things can only be carried.
Let me be clear: If you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way that your tragedy was meant to be, happened for a reason, will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.
I have spent 2 days trying to wrap my brain around that last line: If you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way that it was meant to be, you have every right to remove them from your life.
Here was my problem: A lot of people I love or respect believe that everything happens for a reason. In my youth and stupidity, I thought only people who had never suffered true devastation ever used that statement, but I was wrong.
Remember the behaviorist who saved us when Kevin was 5? She had 8 miscarriages. Yes you heard me correctly: 8. The last one happened at 22 weeks and she was carrying twins. How do I know this? One day, she brought all 3 of her children to a therapy session so Kevin could rehearse the social skills she’d been teaching him. “OMG they look just like you!” I screamed. “Thank you,” she said. “Everyone says that and I just have to laugh because they’re all adopted.” I was shocked.
Me: Really??
Her: Yup. I was lucky enough to meet their birth mother and we looked a lot alike.
Me: Looked?
Her: She died three years ago of a drug overdose. We already had Linda but once the mother passed it came to light she had 2 other children living in foster care in another state. Chicago DYFS asked if we would take them and of course we said yes.
Me: Wow. I’m sure I have no business asking this but were you unable to conceive?
And that’s when she told me her horror story.
Me: I am so sorry
Her: It’s OK. I’m grateful honestly. I don’t think I could love my children the way I do had I not suffered so much before finding them. Everything happens for a reason.
I used to work with a fantastic lady whose husband left her for another woman when she was 6 months pregnant with their second son. Because his visits are as inconsistent as his child support payments, she’s basically a single mother. Did I mention one of the boys suffers from acute anxiety AND oppositional defiant disorder? She never complains, ever, about any of it, and will tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I hate that statement so much I can actually taste vomit every time someone uses it, but how can I remove from my life the many remarkable people I know who believe it????
And then I had a revelation and started talking to myself, which I do a lot, because I’m insane. “Wait a second Rachel: The people you love, who believe in that statement, don’t apply it to YOUR life, they apply it to their own, and they’re entitled to that. How people view their own circumstances is deeply personal and none of your business. Some people who believe everything happens for a reason recognize that you don’t share their belief, so they respectfully keep it to themselves. YOUR feelings are more important to them than their own convictions. That’s what makes a true friend. If Karen and I ever decided to talk politics I’m sure our friendship would be decimated within seconds, so despite our deep seeded political convictions, we don’t talk about them to each other, because our friendship is more important.”
Dear Readers,
I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I believe SOME things happen for a reason, and others just sorta happen. If you have suffered, and wish to share with me your beliefs regarding how that suffering has served some greater purpose, I would be happy to listen. You are entitled to my respect and your convictions are deserving of my consideration. However, if you have never suffered, what ANYONE would describe as a devastating loss, and you go around telling those of us who have that everything happens for a reason…..
SHUT…….THE…….FUCK……..UP
And keep your opinions off my blog. They, like you, have no place here.
I do NOT believe everything happens for a reason. I also do not see a greater purpose in either of our situations. However, since we are not given a choice whether or not we WANT TO BE in these situations, it's up to us to handle them to the best of our ability, which I know you do every single day. KUDOS:-)
PS. It's Kristin (not Bob:-)
I wish I was as elequent with words like both of you girls Rachel and Kristin. But I will write anyway. I agree with you both I lost my mother to cancer at a young age ( I had to quit college stay with her 24hrs a day give her shots clean her ports and change her diapers,and resuscitate her) and it did not hapen for a reason it just happed because life sucks sometimes. You never get over it you just learn to cope with life's shit balls that are thrown at you. Cry get up and dust yourself off and go on as best as you can. I never did understand the saying it happens for a reason. Maybe these people are more optimistic then me, or they say it because they don't know what else to say.As always Rachael great blog! I love that you talk about things that no body will say but are thinking. Maria
Thank you so much Kristen