I am, as my Grandmother used to say, a flaming asshole communist liberal who lives in a conservative republican town. If there are any other democrats they’re all in hiding or, as my dear departed uncle once said, “Have the decency to keep it to themselves.” I’m actually convinced they’ve all been rounded up and fed to Justin, the beaver who lives on the side of my house. Traitor. Justin is so far left I’m convinced Hillary intends to choose him as her running mate. He’s living on private property claiming squatter’s rights, pays no taxes, wantonly impregnates any female swimming by who happens to have a pulse, and because he falls below the poverty line (oooohh I’m a beaver I can’t find work) I am forced to provide his numerous illegitimate children with a free meal plan in the form of my once thriving hibiscus patch. It’s no wonder the freeloader’s munching on Democrats, there’s nothing left to eat.
I also believe Justin’s arrival on my property is part of a vast right wing conspiracy designed to brainwash me into voting for Trump, orchestrated by my arch republican nemesis: Robin the Red. I mean think about it. Before the primaries I was completely beaver free and then all of a sudden, as Hillary’s campaign started picking up steam, this enormous mound of muck encrusted sticks just “happened” to appear on the side of my dock. Coincidence? I think not. Here’s my theory: Robin owns a vacation cabin upstate. One day she’s taking a hike through the woods thinking, “That Rachel, what a pain in the ass. I’ve posted articles, cited facts, exposed the hypocrisy and still she refuses to see reason! How shall I ever rid myself of her? Ronald Reagan help me! Send me a sign!” And at that exact moment she spots an obese beaver munching on a hibiscus flower on his union break at the side of a stream. Remember, Justin is a liberal so of course he’s part of the dam builders union. And upon spotting this lazy land mammal, Robin gets an idea. She approaches said beaver.
Hi there I’m Robin what’s your name?
Justin Beaver
Pleasure to meet you. My it looks like hard work building this dam.
Oh you have no idea. Months of negotiations and still I only get 6, one hour breaks a day. They work us like animals!
Work? They make you work for a living? You’re just a beaver for god’s sake.
I know right?! You’d think someone like myself would be eligible for workman’s comp what with my back problems and clinical depression. My wife took off with a possum last year. They don’t even give us dental insurance, have you seen my teeth?!
That is just the saddest story I have ever heard. Honestly I might cry.
Oh you’re sweet, but don’t worry. Hillary will be in office soon, this whole “work and pay taxes even if you’re a beaver thing” will blow over and I can go back to sunning myself. That is, if my back and my heart hold out that long. sob sob sniffle sniffle.
You know, there’s no reason for you to wait. I have a friend back home who shares your political views. She is forever lamenting how lonely it is being the only liberal in a conservative town and once she learns of these oppressive working conditions I’m certain she’ll take you in. She lives on a lake.
Really?
Yup. Filled to the brim with promiscuous female beavers! You wouldn’t even have to dam it up. Come back with me. I think it’s time my friend acquired some likeminded neighbors.
And THAT dear readers is how it began. In the dead of night, under cover of darkness, Robin returned with Justin, plopped him on my dock and told him to have at it. And the sad truth is: it’s starting to work. Every morning I wake up to fewer plants and find myself becoming more and more conservative. I mean, who does this guy think he is? Surely animal control would come to my rescue.
Hello Animal Control.
Hi my name is Rachel and I need your help. A republican left a beaver on my dock.
OK
Yeah, he’s built the most disgusting nest you’ve ever seen or smelled and it’s attracting flies. His kids are eating all my plants and uh, I was just hoping maybe you could come take them away?
Sorry mam, in the state of NJ beavers are an endangered species.
So?
So we can’t move them.
But this is private property. MY private property and I don’t want them here.
You have something against beavers?!
No I have nothing against beavers, just these beavers.
Oh really. Is the beaver black? I bet he’s black.
What the fu…, of course he’s black all beavers are black!
Oh you would think that you racist bitch. I’ll have you know that In North American 50% of beavers are pale brown, 25% are reddish brown, 20% are brown and only 6% are black. So not only are those beavers endangered they are a minority and that means they can stay.
But they’re destroying my yard!
Oh listen to you, lakefront owner can’t spare a few hibiscus flowers for the less fortunate. I don’t know how you people sleep at night!
Click
And I did not sleep that night, plagued by the most terrifying realization: the flower bed is almost empty and all the democrats in town are “missing.” What’s to stop Justin from breaking in and devouring us all? I have to defend my family. I need a gun! So the next day I went to the gun shop:
Hi I need a gun to protect myself.
You have concerns about home invasion mam.
Yes, yes I do. What do you recommend?
Well if you’re a little inexperienced but you’ve shot numerous calibers, I recommended you start off with a 9mm.
Calibers? Oh you mean reindeer! I never shot any reindeer. Don’t they live in Canada?
Dear God. Ok how about something more basic. For example, if you pick up a 9mm Glock and can’t hit the paper….
Paper? What paper? Who shoots paper?
Sweet Jesus. Ok, Look, I think it best we start you off with a .22 until you become proficient.
Wow it’s small. Are you sure this thing can kill a beaver?
Oh you’re hunting? You said this was for home protection.
It is. There’s a beaver on the side of my dock who’s eating all the democrats. Margo and I are the only 2 left. Robin put him there to turn me republican.
Mam, I don’ mean to offend you but I don’t think you need a gun. What you need is a psychiatrist.
What?! I’m not crazy. I’m not!! Call Robin. She did this. She put him there to turn me republican and it worked! I’m republican. I’m a right wing conservative republican and I WANT MY GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the bastard kicked me out of the store. He kicked me out of the store! So having been denied my second amendment rights I did what any reasonable person would do. I got in my car, drove to Texas, walked into the first Walmart I could find and bought a grenade launcher. I had planned to buy a hunting rifle but my new friend Buck told me to “Go Big” and then when I told him I was from NJ he told me to “Go Home.”
So I did. And here I am, sitting on my dock with the grenade launcher pointed at Justin who is perched atop his nest chewing on one of Kevin’s sandals and I just can’t do it. I can’t pull the trigger. This beaver is destroying my yard and my lake but still, I can’t bring myself to kill him. But I can’t live like this either! I need him to leave and he’s never going to because he’s got it made, and Robin’s never going to take him back so long as she knows he’s keeping me Republican. And just as I’m struggling with this inner turmoil I hear a voice from across the water:
Alohaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it’s Margo. Margo the crazy, paddle boarding, turbo liberal from down the lake.
Hey there girlfriend! Saw you have a beaver nest next to your dock. How stoked are you?! Oh my God is that him? He’s huge! Alohaaaaaaaaa new neighbor. Is he eating a shoe?
It’s Kevin’s sandal
Not cool new neighbor, not cool!
So, oh my God, Rach, are you like, holding a gun or something?
It’s a grenade launcher.
Wow, Rach, I am getting this like, crisis mode vibe from you. Whatever your deal I am here for you friend. Talk, I shall restore your Zen.
So I put down my gun and walked to the edge of my dock to talk with Margo.
See? Better already. Zen restoration!!!!! So, up until like, yesterday you hated guns and now you have a grenade launcher. Talk to me girlfriend. You bought it too…………………
Kill Justin.
Who’s Justin?
The beaver!
Justin Beaver? How awesome is that name. Love your name new neighbor!!!! OK so, Rach, I don’t know what he’s done but you can’t just shoot him. Beaver Lives Matter.
Yes Margo beaver lives matter all lives matter that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to blow him up but I WANT to. I sit here day after day watching everything I worked so hard for just disappear down the top of that nest and it’s killing me. He just takes and takes and gives nothing back and when I had the audacity to suggest he be moved I was branded as intolerant? So I got this gun. This is America right? If you have a problem you don’t whine about it you fix it, and if you’re Republican you fix it with a gun. But I can’t.
I thought you were liberal.
No! No I’m not. Justin’s a liberal and I am nothing like him. I will never be like him, never!
How do you know he’s liberal?
Oh I don’t know maybe it’s the “Vote For Hillary” sign on his nest.
Oh my God I totally missed that. Go Justin!!!
No! No “Go Justin” he’s a sponge Margo. He and his cronies are destroying this lake but people like him, are destroying America.
And that’s when Margo got off her paddleboard (it takes a lot to get Margo off her paddleboard) and took my hands in hers.
Rachel, Justin isn’t destroying your yard because he’s liberal, Justin is destroying your yard because he’s a dick. You’re a dick new neighbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really?
Afffirmative. Being a dick doesn’t make you a liberal any more than owning a grenade launcher makes you a republican.
So I’m still liberal?
Yup. You’re just not as liberal as you thought.
Oh my God. Do you know what this means? This means Robin loses and I win!
Uh, translation?
Oh, Robin did this. She put Justin on my dock to turn me into a republican and I thought it worked but it didn’t!
Ha! Honey Robin loves you just the way you are. She doesn’t want you to change. She needs people like us as much as we need people like her. If there’s no one around to question your values how can you ever know for sure you have any?
So now what do we do?
Talk to Robin. I’ll go with. Tell her you’ve learned your lesson and would she please bring Justin back upstate. She promised we could come on her next vacation provided we didn’t talk politics. We’ll deposit Mr. Buzzkill in his stream, hug all the tress on the way back and then, we’ll get Robin drunk! We’ll take her to your friend Jasper’s drag show in DC and before ya know it, she’ll be dancing up a storm in the bathroom with all those “men” having the time of her life. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll realize she’s not as conservative as she thought. But even if she doesn’t who cares? We will have had so much fun, the three of us together.
Yeah, I bicker with Robin all the time on Facebook but you know I’ve never gone out with her.
Not cool. Me neither, not cool.
You know she’s gotta be fun.
Totally.
Totally. I love it. Margo I love it. You’re a genius. Nutty as a fruit cake but you’re a genius. Wait, what do I do about the grenade launcher?
Oh please. Surrender it to the police. Tell them you’re going through menopause.
Ok. Wait! Margo, Justin. I forgot. The other reason I needed to kill him is he’s been eating Democrats. I haven’t heard from any of them in days.
OMG Rach, seriously? Justin didn’t eat the Dems. They’re partying in Ockanickon. That’s why I’m here. It’s not a party without you.
Fabulous as usual!