I spent time looking in the mirror this morning. I haven’t done that in a long time. Usually I avoid mirrors like the plague. It’s one of the reasons I despise department stores: too many mirrors. Getting my picture taken? I can’t remember the last time I allowed it. I’ve even mastered the art of applying makeup without looking too closely at myself. It involves a lot of crouching and squinting but I manage. I’ve known for years how pathetic this is but as the old saying goes: change only occurs when the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of creating a difference.
Something is very different this morning. Yesterday I did something I haven’t done in almost 9 years: I accepted an offer of help. If I got a dollar for every time someone has offered to take Kevin for a few hours, just to give me a break, I wouldn’t have to work for a living but I’ve always said no. Yesterday I said yes.
Christmas is the worst time of year for us. I never much cared for Christmas but since Kevin came along I am a complete Grinch. Why? Because at this time of year, all the behaviors he exhibited in Kindergarten, the ones that very nearly got him thrown out of school, come back for a very unwelcome visit. Christmas is the perfect recipe for aggressive outbursts: no schedule, unfamiliar sounds, lack of structure, lots of people, and LOTS of excitement. It’s sensory overload and Kevin’s only defense against the tidal wave of uncomfortable sensation is to hit, kick, bite, and cause the people close to him all manner of pain and discord. He spent most of Christmas Eve in a restraining hold, or outside pissing on my house. Christmas morning was complete hell (even Chris lost his shit and almost smacked him) but the crowning glory was the day after when moron over here decided to get him out of the house to hit the sales.
Poor Barnes and Noble in Marlton might never recover. It all started because I refused to buy Kevin The Complete Guide To Mastering Calculus in hard cover. I said “no” and he threw it at me. I told the girls we had to check out immediately and he followed me to the register throwing punches the entire way. When I continued to ignore him he destroyed a display of Christmas cards and that’s when the girls, out desperation and embarrassment, made the worse possible mistake. They said, within earshot of their brother, “Mom can you please just buy him the book? “and the battle ensued.
Not to this extent, but most mothers have been humiliated by their children’s behavior in public. Good parents say no to a great many things in a vast variety of places. They say no when it comes at great cost to them, like in public, where it’s very possible their child might throw a fit and embarrass them. You know how much I love going to Shoprite now that Kevin and the cereal have made peace with each other right? Well last weekend I watched a mother refuse to buy jelly beans for her son and he went apeshit. It was an academy award winning tantrum to be sure and Mom kept her cool the entire time. She just gazed at the candy taking deep breaths and every moment or so would lean down and calmly say, “This is not going to get you want so you might as well stop.” Utterly impressed, I took a moment to examine the faces of the women around me and they were all so disgusted. I realized, “They’re judging her.” It seemed so strange. As impressive as it was, Kevin’s outbursts put this one to shame but people don’t look at me that way when he flips out and I realized: it’s because they pity you. When Kevin loses his shit in public people realize immediately what they’re seeing and they feel sorry for you. I tried to take offense but found I couldn’t.
I’ve always thought of pity as a shameful thing but really it’s not. Pity simply means “to feel sorry” and what is the shame in that if you direct your pity towards someone whose life is a little harder than your own.
We don’t ask for help. Ever. Moms don’t ask for help, even when they desperately need it. We’ve been programmed to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness, an indication that motherhood is overwhelming and therefore, we’re inferior at it. We OFFER people help all the time but when the going gets tough we smile that much brighter, lie that much more, and pretend that everything is hunky dory. Why? Because good mothers are supposed to love motherhood. Good mothers aren’t supposed to need help because they’ve got it all together. Good mothers are supposed to be happy, all the time, and it’s such a crock of shit.
I am the recipient of two types of pity: those who are genuinely sorry for what I have to deal with sometimes, and those who pity my inability to hide it. Some women cannot imagine having to live the way I do and some women think they could not bear to be so exposed.
I am appalled it took me this long to realize it but being exposed is probably my greatest asset as a special needs parent. When good hearted people see I need help they offer it and all this time I’ve been saying no. Why? Because I’m no different than the other mothers who are trying to pretend, not that I don’t HAVE problems, but that I don’t need help with them.
For years I’ve been telling myself, “You can’t leave him with someone. What if he acts out?” But it’s such a lie! I’ve left him with countless babysitters over the years without concern: The most reliable cure for Kevin’s worst behavior is a beautiful teenager girl with a cell phone. The truth is, all this time, I haven’t accepted help because I don’t want anyone to think I need any and that is cowardly. Getting a break from Kevin is probably the best thing I could do for both of us.
It was hard. My hands were shaking as I typed the words into our little Medford Lakes Mommy page but I did it. I wrote, “Hi guys. You know how you’ve ALL offered to take Kevin for a few hours a hundred times over the past 3 years? Well if it’s not too late I’d like to take you up on your offer. He kinda beat the shit out of me and Barnes and Noble yesterday and I could really use a break.” Moments later, a woman named Amy (That’s really her name. Under normal circumstances I would change it but Amy means you are loved and how do you top that?) messaged me and offered to take Kevin for the afternoon.
So yesterday, my girls and I got three hours of violence free shopping and Kevin got spoiled rotten by Amy and her daughters. By the time I got there he was surrounded by 6 beautiful teenage girls with cell phones, looking like he’d died and gone to heaven. Turns out he needed a break from me just as much as I needed a break from him.
So now comes the part about me looking at myself in the mirror. I always attributed my distaste with my appearance as just that but it’s more: since Kevin came into this world I’ve been dissatisfied with who I am. I spent so long hiding from my feelings is it any wonder I started hiding from my reflection? I honestly thought that a better mother, a better person, would not get frustrated with her aggressive child and require time away from him. And nothing could be further from the truth.
Kevin will always be what he is but something is going to change for me: it’s already started. I just got back from the hair salon and for just a few moments I looked at myself in the mirror again and thought, “See that’s not so hard!” I’m actually kinda cute when I brush my hair and wear clothes that match. I feel better about myself. Why? Because I asked for help and received it from someone who was genuinely happy to extend it.
This blog began in response to a request from the editors at SheKnows to explain “how I intend to make a difference in the world in 2017”. I have no clue how to make a difference in the world but thanks to my friend Amy, who is loved, the pain of staying the same has finally outweighed the fear of creating a difference. From this point forward I’m going to say “yes” every time someone offers to take Kevin, even if I don’t need a break. I’m going to let people be kind to me and take no offense to the pity they may feel because I have people I feel sorry for and wish I could help too. All moms need to start asking for and accepting help and maybe if I do it more someone else will too. I won’t pretend I’m not weak when I am and I won’t be ashamed that I need distance from Kevin when he spends the afternoon hurling discounted Christmas cards at strangers. I’m going to stop telling lies. When he hits me I will not say what I usually do which is, “I’m used to it,” because I’m not. You never get used to your son hurting you, ever. I’m not sure what I’ll say next time but it will be something that assures whoever I’m talking to that I don’t have ANYTHING together, I’m not always happy, and sometimes motherhood sucks.
And finally, I’m going to start looking in the mirror again, a little more every day. I’m going to tell the girl I see not to hide anymore. I’ll be a little happier every day because I’ll be a little more satisfied with what I am: limited. It started this morning, the day after I asked for help for the first time in 9 years. Give it a try people, out there is an Amy, because you are loved.
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I'm going to rewrite my comment but I just wanted to say thank you this was beautiful, with four young woman at my home my days can be filled with drama and fights. I know what it feels like to need a break but definitely not the extreme as what occurred to you at Barnes & Noble, I j enjoyed my time w Kevin and will be stealing him again from you to go swimming ! As much as this sounds crazy kids like Kevin keep me humble and grounded and remind me that life may not always be simple but that I need to take time out of my life to care and share my love to others outside my circle. Again thank you this blog made my new year ❤️
I needed to read this. After wanting to call my sleepless and insatiable 4 week old twin daughter an asshole at 5 am, I just gave up and broke down. Thankfully my husband took it from there, fed her another ounce and she finally went right to sleep. You make a great point, that sometimes they need a break from us too. Happy New Year!
To you as well. Keep asking for help!
Oh and one more thing. You are a GREAT mom. You are TRYING to do better everyday and that's the best anyone can do for herself and her children. Keep up the good fight!