All the good moms in Medford like Christmas, A LOT.
But The Rach, who lives in the middle of Medford, does not
The Rach hates Christmas, the whole Christmas season
Go ahead, ask her why, she will tell you the reason
She hates spending money, the shopping’s a chore
Her cats both eat tinsel then puke on the floor
She vacuums up pine needles day after day
Round a mountain of credit card bills she can’t pay
Her snowmen look boxy, she can’t decorate
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of hate
Rach isn’t crafty she’s not full of cheer
She’d boycott it all if it weren’t for the beer
She’s awful at baking, and oh though she tries
I’d rather eat pine cones than one of her pies.
And all of this hatred, there’s one thing above it
And that’s just how much her husband LOVES it.
The Chris LOVES Christmas and Holiday nights
Sleigh rides and spending whole paychecks on lights
He loves playing Santa and loading his sleigh
On Rachel! On Dana! On Kevin and Kay!
He loves dressing kids, cats, and puppies in green
Posing them all in a holiday scene
Yelling, “I need a Christmas card, make me one, Go!”
Mail them to all of the people we know.
And Rach when you’ve finished with that tiny chore
Wrap all these presents so I can buy more!
We’ll buy a huge Christmas tree at Dickens Fest
Dress the kids up in their Christmassy best
We have to look happy ‘cause Christmas is fun
Hang more decorations, and then when you’re done
Plan me a party, invite one and all
Nobody cares that the house is too small
It’s Christmas time Rachel it’s not time to cry
I don’t want to hear that the house is a sty
Get yourself into a Christmasy mood
People are coming! Go make them some food
I’ll get top shelf liquor, I’ll buy fancy rye
And people will say, “Oh that Chris what a guy!”
Who will clean up once the jolly is through?
Don’t be a silly pants Rachel it’s you!
I’ve no time to clean, I have carols to sing
Glitter to sprinkle and doorbells to ring
Santas to wave at and snowballs to throw
Christmas is out there, come on kids lets go!
So that’s why Rach hates Christmas. Don’t think she’s a jerk
Christmas, for mommies, is nothing but work
Wrapping and shopping and cooking and sass
Wanting to kick Christmas Chris in his ass
Cause despite all you do and the pennies you pinch
He says, “You’re ruining Christmas Rae, you’re such a Grinch!”
LOVE LOVE LOVE this! Had me smiling from start to finish