Did you vote yesterday?  I voted, way more than you as you are about to read, and so did Kevin. 

The moment I got home from work he was waiting on the stoop with his hands on his hips, looking very stern.   “Mom you is vote?!  All my teachers say remind you.” “Yes Kevin, I voted on the way home. Now get out of my way if you want dinner.”  

I walked in and immediately started prepping veggies in front of my girl crush, Rachel Maddow.  I would totally switch teams for that woman.  She’s so smart.  And just as Rachel was about to reveal her predictions for the evening’s festivities, Kevin barged in and demanded I switch to Fox News because he hates Rachel Maddow’s hair. 

He took my computer into the family room and ten seconds later I heard….

Mom gas prices is high Brett Baier say so.  

OK dude.

Brett say vote for gas.

Ok

And food

You got it.

Mom!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Kevin what?

Which one these you vote for?  (Pointing to Stacey Abrams and Brian Kemp)

Neither

You say you voted?!

Kevin I voted  in NJ those people are running in Georgia.  

Two more minutes go by then I hear……..

Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What?!

There no canninets in NJ! Brett is show evyone and no one is from NJ!!!!!!!!!

Kevin listen to me: Brett and Martha only care about the races that are really close so you’re not going to see states like NJ.  Brett is going to show you states like Georgia, Nevada, and Arizona over and over again all night.

He seemed satisfied with that answer so I assumed he understood until I heard

Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walked back out to the family room to find him pointing at Mike Maloney and Sean Lawler of NY.

Which one you vote for?

Then their pictures disappeared from the scream because Martha wanted to talk about the border crisis and Kevin started to panic. 

Don’t get upset buddy. Those men will come back but in the meantime I have a great idea.

What?

I did vote in NJ but I got so busy at work I forgot to cast my vote in all the other states.  

Oh no!

It’s OK the polls don’t close till 10 PM and that’s plenty of time.  How about whenever Brett shows us a new set of candidates I’ll pause the show and you tell me who to vote for?

I be big help?

You’re going to be an enormous help.

I grabbed a notepad from the kitchen, fast forwarded through the commercials and POOF!  We were in PA watching Doug Mastriano sound off against Josh Shapiro.

Ok Kev who should I vote for?

Not him (pointing to Mastriano)

Why not?

He is look like my principal.

Then Brett segued to the heated battle between Dr. Oz and John Fetterman.

Vote for him!  (Pointing to Fetterman)

Why him?

I gike him.  He is look like my gym teacher.  

I leaned down to pretend I was taking notes when Brett announced we were headed to Massachessettes where Maura Healey was about to defeat Geoff Diehl.

Ok buddy what do you think?

The girl.

Why the girl?

Girls is nicer.  When I sad girls say fings gike, “Oh no you is sad I do evvyfing for you make you feel better!”  Boys say, “Cheer up.”   

Ok so if a boy is running against a girl always vote for the girl?

Yeah.

OK well we might be in trouble here dude.  Martha has us in Arizona where both the candidates are girls. Which one do we pick?!

No this one (pointing to Katie Hobbs)

What’s wrong with her?

Her roots is reedy reedy long. 

Kevin what do you have against gray hair?

Make you look old.

So Kari Lake gets my vote just because she doesn’t have roots?

Yes she is has nice hair.

Alright, but Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be appalled.

Who Ruth?

Never mind. See, your offense to feminism distracted me we’re in Wisconsin.   Who are we voting for?

The headshots of Tony Evers and Tim Michel fill the screen.

EWWWWWWWWWWW!

What’s wrong.

Them ugly.

The candidates?

Yes.  Not gike Wisconsin.

Kevin puts his hands over his eyes.

Tell me when we is somewhere else.  

And just like that Martha the good witch waved her magic wand and said, “There’s no place like California, there’s no place like California, there’s no place like California where David Valadao is running against Rudy Salas.

Kevin, you’re safe now.  Open your eyes and tell me who to vote for.

Kevin examines the screen for a second.

The man is the same.

No they’re not.

Look the same.

Well they’re not the same.

Yes is same man sept on blue side he is wear glasses.

OK so what would you like me to do?

Mom is this man is cheating?

Now at this point I probably should have tried harder to convince Kevin that David Valadao and Rudy Salas were not the same person but it had been a long day people.  Sometimes you have to pick your battles so I said…….

You’re right Kevin. It is cheating to run on the Republican ticket, then disguise yourself with glasses and run as a Democrat too.  

Do not vote this man Mom.

Suddenly I’m curious.

Kevin, have you noticed that in every state somebody is blue and someone is red?

Yes.

What do the colors mean?

Blue means sad, red means hot.

Gotcha.

Mom we are in Virginia!

I look up and indeed Brett has transported us to the state of Virginia where Abigail Spanberger is holding strong against Yesli Vega.

OK buddy what do you think.

Both so so pretty.

They are pretty.

Vote for them both of them.

I can’t vote for them both.

Yes you can.  

No I can’t.

Yes!!!!!Like how we do wif Miss Medford Lakes, you give me you votes say, “Go to a office give one vote for Kathy, one to Alice, one for Laura, like that you say that.

Now I had a choice to make:   Do I even ATTEMPT to explain to Kevin that although you can vote for five different girls in the Miss Medford Lakes pageant you can only vote for one in the Virginia Congressional election?  Or do I just say………..

OK buddy I’ll vote for both ladies.

Good job mom.

Next up are Lisa Murkowski and Kelly Tshibaka.  Kevin is silent.

Whatcha thinking buddy?

I not know which one.

Want me to vote for both?

No.

Well I have an idea.  You said red means hot?

Yeah.

Well these ladies are running in Alaska.  It’s really cold there.  Why don’t we vote for the lady on the red team so she can keep herself warm?

Mom you is so smart!

Thanks.  Kevin did you know the red and blue teams have names?

Yeah

What are their names?

Democrat and Repubican.  

Very good.  What’s the difference between the 2?

I not know.

Ok, well which one do you think you are?

Publican.

Why?

I gike FOX News.

What’s Mommy?

Democrat

How do you know?

You say when Dad die you will marry Rachel Maddow.

I love her.  What about Kayla?

Democrat.

Because?

She is like you.

And dad?

Pubican.

How do you know?

He hate evvyone on MSNBC.

And Dana?

Pubican. 

Why do you say that?

Dana is reedy reedy mad about evvyfing all time bout evvyfing.

She is.

Yeah.  Bupicans reedy reedy mad bout gas and food.

Ok, so if Kayla and I are democrats and the rest of you are republican what do you think is the difference between the two?

Kevin thought about it.

Democrat say, “I will help you,”  Pubicans say, “ Do it youself.”

The two of us sat there for a little while not saying anything.  

Mom? You OK you is look sad.

I’m not sad buddy I was just thinking:  you’re right. Not exactly but you’re right.  Sometimes people need to be told, “Do it yourself.”  Like you with your jacket every morning.

I hate zippers.

I know buddy but you’re 16 years old and that’s too old to have Mom zipping up your coat every morning.  Zipping is frustrating for you but you CAN do it and I shouldn’t be helping you.  

You sound like Dad.

Well Dad’s right.  Too much help is a bad thing.  You’re never going to be as independent as we need you to be if I keep helping you do things you can do on your own.

OK

But on the flip side there’s buttons.

I can’t do buttons.  

No you can’t, and God knows we tried.  We tried everything:  occupational therapy, physical therapy, countless hours of practice, and none of it worked.  We had to accept that buttoning a button is too hard for you. 

Yeah.

And it’s not your fault.  You didn’t ask to be born with low muscle tone in your fingers.  You’re going to need someone to  button your pants for the rest of your life and you deserve that help. 

Yeah

Here’s the truth buddy:  Mommy needs to be a little more Republican. When I say, “OK honey I see you’re frustrated let me zip your coat for you,”  I’m not really helping you, I’m encouraging you to be helpless.  

Yeah.

And your father needs to be a little more Democrat and employ some patience.  You are developmentally disabled, I have the paperwork from CHOP to prove it.  Some of the more annoying/frustrating ways you behave are beyond your control and he needs to be more understanding. When Dad refuses to accept your limitations it only makes you more limited. 

The two of us were quiet for a while after that.  After the commercials Martha McCallum headed over to Arizona where Mark Kelly and Blake Masters were neck and neck.

Mom?

Yeah bud?

Do you have to vote in all the states?

Not all of them.

I am done voting.  Not gike it. I will go play my XBOX.

OK

You can go back to watch Rachell Maddow I be downstairs so I not have to see her hair.

I did go back to watching Rachel Maddow.  Have I mentioned how much I love her?  I would totally switch teams for that woman.  But I do have to admit she’s very blue, the same way Martha and Brett are very red, and that’s not a good thing. There’s a place in the middle.  A place where people can say with conviction, “You are perfectly capable of zipping your own zipper and I’m not helping you,”  as easily as they can say “It’s not your fault you can’t button buttons.  Let me do that for you,” with kindness and understanding.  

I’m certainly not suggesting we choose candidates the way Kevin does, but maybe this country would work a little better if we forgot about red and blue for awhile and focused instead on people.  People like me who are perfectly capable and responsible and people like Kevin who aren’t and can’t be.  

Anyway, I hope you voted yesterday.  I voted yesterday, more than most people, and I learned a lot from a little boy who will never be able to vote.